Officially, I only blog when I want to express myself. I am not always angry or sad...I just need to express my anger and sadness in a good manner so, that I won't become a monster and creep the heck out of everyone (again and again). I have a lot of flaws and it is countless, but, I also exploit my flaws, which is why it is easy to step on not just my head...apparently my entire body and soul.

I hate it when I am to put in the middle of the spot light and everybody is against me. Especially when you expect those people to know how you're like and how to ask you things or maybe how I would get when they raise their tone when I feel damn tired. When I go home and have a long day at work, when I know it would get me agitated. I would tell you to stop asking the bloody question, when you keep bugging me, I would get VERY agitated and angry because I feel like its an attack. Yes, I bloody chose the job...I talk about it, that means I like it. I just like to express myself that way. I go home with a smile don't I? When I know that I am not the one who is supposed to get attack by. I would get so furious. Why is everybody attacking me over a god damn person that I barely know. If they were to attack me about my bastard ex boyfriend who got me into deep shit of my life.. I would surely understand. Everybody has its own opinion and you can't expect everybody to have pleasant thoughts about a guy that I barely know. I have bad experience in my past relationships, so, I should know how men are like. I don't have to explain myself and all of you shouldn't get angry at me. I didn't do bad things to him. I didn't poison the bloody stranger nor did I treat him badly when he was at the house. Instead, I showed him around and tried to make him comfortable at the bloody house. WHY THE FUCK AM I being attack ?!!! I just don't like certain things about him. I can't like everything about a stranger. WHY IS EVERYONE against me about this. Yes, I am Malay....you don't have to rub it in my face and criticize the fact that I am acting like a typical Melayu. Well, my parents didn't let me go study abroad...because none of you defended me to study abroad..please don't give me that crap about being too malay. I have malay friends I am always with malays and you'd rather not. So What....you think I am a kid and I act like a kid because I am at home and I feel comfortable that way...but that doesn't mean that I can't think and act like a grown arse like yourselves. I have been through alot of shit that you yourselves can't handle. So, please stop looking down on my freaking sorry arse.

Hey,I have a blogspot account...not changing...but, just to tell you that I have both now http://bilabam.blogspot.com

An adult human male is the term we used for man/men. What separates men from women is they have different structure of bones/skulls,they have adam's apple which makes them have deeper voice, and to have greater muscle mass. Now, disagree if you want but, I find most men difficult to believe. It is easier for them to for go and live up ones they left the significant other. I find it quite interesting that men have some affection towards other women,which makes them hard to see the world commitment.

This year, this year, is the one of the toughest year that I've ever gone through. Down low things have been just when I start to think that it is going rather stable. I was quite sure I had my life slightly sorted out when I realized that my family and friends were with me. Unfortunately, friends that I consider my real friends are going away. No,they arent running away from me,its just that one of them. The one I take as a big brother who gives me good advice and helps me when I am in the lowest state of mind is going back to his country and might not come back. His Malaysian guy soulmate said that he is going back to his country too if the other is going. So,rather, the people I consider as my family in Cyber are all disapearing. Including my housemate fafa,she's not sure if she is going to continue in LUCT or she would go to some other colleges. Adeline on the other hand, is skipping one semester. I know they are not running away, but, I think I am loosing quite alot of friends. To the one I think acts as our big brother Sinaz,to the elder sister Adeline who always bicker with the other brother Andrew and Fafa who is the same age but is more mature than I am. Fafa and Joe's relationship isnt going that great either, so, Joe wont be coming to our house anymore. There are soo many big changes that I have to adapt to. Everything is going so quickly,just when I start feeling comfortable,just when I sit down at the warm couch its gradually getting icy cold. No more eating at street mall mocking people or discussing about our future assignment. No more not sleeping to do assignments together. There are alot of No more's this year that it bugs me.

This is another song for you.. :)

I just found out how much of a sweet talker awi is. I was browsing through his page and gosh, I felt so angry even though we have nothing else together anymore. Why? Because I havent been flirting AT ALL. I havent. It makes me angry. It makes me angry down to my core because he has never told me that I am beautiful. Not ones. Now I know how much that I have been blinded. I AM SOOO STUPID FOR BEING WITH HIM!!!!! I wish I could turn back time and never ever see someone like him ever!!! I dont know why I feel so angry.

gosh,today was a crazy night. I went to see friends at the laundry with my new pair of dress of 70 bux. I bought it to treat myself. I want to feel good for ones in myself,plus, naz,andrew and adeline said it looks good on me. They even said that if I dont buy,they would buy it for me. I trusted them, so, I bought it. It was long and tiring because I was at the gym with fafa for about an hour and a half. Im starting to realise why I was dump. I think it has its pros and cons of itself. I am starting to change abit. Trying to fix the mistakes that I have done. Patch it like a plaster on the hollow walls. Eventhough, I have to admit, I still miss the guy,but, I cant do anything much now. What I have to do now is just to move forward. If I can keep this up, I think I would be alright. I think I am starting to realize why he broke up with me. I was being a very pushy girlfriend and I think I did not give him time to himself,plus, I was already being too dependent. I am already pampered by my parents, and then, I wanted it from my boyfriend. So, too much of a good thing turns up to be bad,thats what the old saying says. He promised me an outing after the 20th of this month, I guess I cant trust his promise anymore. Can I? Oh well, if he has moved on, I guess I have to go move on too. I have no other choice. Thanks anyway awi for the tight slap(no he didnt slap me, I didnt mean it literally), its making me see things that I never thought that I could see in myself. I am building up my self esteem little by little. No, it wont rise up too fast,but, I am quite sure I would get there, not now,but,maybe soon.

Its fafa's birthday today! I was planning to surprise her today and make her miserable before her surprise,but,it backfired. At around 12 Joe came with the cake,I was concentrating on my laptop doing my work while listening to a full blast ipod on my ear. Adeline, who is also currently my roommate,just got back from her home in Cheras,so she knocked on my door for quite some time and by the time I got I was like what the fiiiish, then I saw that the candle was already blown. Alright, I told myself, my plan backfired,but I still have next year. ngee hee hee.

I am still grieving over my phone. I cant contact anyone, I am suppose to be Sinaz's model,but,he had to call either Fafa or Adeline to get me. Poor naz. I dont have any proper attire for the shoot. I am wondering now to go for gym after eating a whole pile of chocolate indulgence cake. It was scrumptious for sure,but, I still have to look after my weight after more than 10 aunties and uncles have said that I have gain weight or "bila dah gemuk" it means the same thing, fatness. I cant change much due to the effects of the stupid thing that I am eating the seroQ thingy.

I am planning to stop and take something else either than seroQ for bipolar disorder,I have made a research and it seems that there is another meds with less side effects, I'd have to wait for the next session with the therapist. I think I am doing quite alright with my assignments, it is abit on track, though I am losing myself for my photography and illustration. I have only submited one thing for this whole sem. Design studies is on track and so is Sociology. Proud of myself abit ok...alot...because it is not easy to be doing work when I have these things on my mind,but, what the hell, I have to live my life and have to have a mission. I told myself to say nice things about myself in my blog.

So,today I would say that errr....I am a nice person for letting a friend staying over here for long and also, I think that I am quite cute for a person because I realize some (when I say some I mean little,very little) guys looking at me while I walk. On an attempt of loosing my phone, (alright it wasnt an attempt, I accidentally lost it) I realize that it was a sign. This is the story, I went to the gym and usually the gym doesnt play songs,but this time it played incubus the whole time I was running or rather walking very fast. Then I lost awi's towel, yeah,I still use his towel,so what. Luckily,I brought t-shirt that is clean,so I could wipe myself. Then, I know this is wrong but I called awi because I wanted to have some help of buying fafa's gift, I didnt have the transport,so,I wanted to go there and borrow abit of a money. He didnt pick up,so,I gave up

. I was at the bus stop and andrew called, he said, "nabila, when are you coming should I leave the door open now?" I said "nah,I am still at the bus stop it took along time" anyway, I got on the bus, then I reached sinandrews hows thats the new name for their place, then, I realize that I didnt have my phone with me. I was lucky that their housemates were downstairs. So, I went in and called my mom,she said to me that I should buy a new one and I was aaah!! I loved that phone! The end of the grief of my phone. Fafa just came in and told me to put paragraphs she said its a bit of a pain when because its tiring,so here I go, I need to edit it now. Atleast I know one person is reading :D

          I lost my phone again. I was at he bus and my friend andrew called,got into the bus came to sinaz's house and poof, I cant find my phone. It was brand new and I was so excited that it had torch light which I just found out afew days ago. Poor parents,they bought me a new phone for me but I accidentally lost it. Sinaz wants to go eat now,I'll continue soon. Peace.Here I am again, watching heroes season ketiga..woohooo! Work I have to do,but,work has outdone me. Forgive me I am talking nonsense. I miss my phone! Phone I didnt mean to leave you behind. I serious dont mean to, you are new in my life,how can I loose something that is so new yet inncocent. Oh,the troubles I have led you to. I cant just buy a new one and replace you. Just when I got to know you, you have interesting games for me to play when I am bored. Its worst then loosing my ex boyfriend now........aaaah!